| A New Year |
[Jan. 5th, 2005|12:03 pm] |
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Theres so much in the past years i've taken for granted. i took my health for granted, now i sit around in pain and hurt. i took friendships for granted. not just the ones i had lost but also the ones i had let slip away. there are definitely people out there that i wished were back in my life a lot more, like they used to be. i took the love of family for granted, i never felt like anyone was ever there, i just kept excluding myself from them all hoping they'd make the first move. sometimes it takes a hospitalization to bring people together to appreciate what they have. so this year i hope to be a different person, the one i always wanted to be. i wanna have a lot more fun, i wanna go out more, i wanna get a job (hopefully i'll have one on thursday. i went through all my old photos that i took from like 2 years ago, and there are so many good times that i forgot about. playing nintendo at sean's like all summer and just chilling there, hanging out with karl and jay, opus was a puppy than and now he's gotten so big. my little family halloween parties, the kids had such a good time hanging out and playing games with each other, it was good for them to have a party of there own, i think i might do it again this year, the ice skating during winter recess was insane. that was when andrew was going out with kelli and all the kids were there having such a good time, it was great. pictures of prom and graduation and just spending time with friends all so many good times. i know this year will bring just so much more, just the beach trips alone will be memorable. well its time for bed...peace |
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| Torturous Sleep |
[Jan. 3rd, 2005|12:09 am] |
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nothing much has been going on lately. this is my last week of vacation and than i go back to school for my last quater and graduate in march...yeah! but i plan on going back to school for advertising which should be fun. i've been having these dreams where i'm being, well being loved, hugged and held and its like so great and it feels so real but its all just a dream. so i looked in my dream book and it says that means that i'm filled with happiness and that i have freedom in my life. which i don't agree with cause i'm just soo much more irrated after these dreams because they aren't real, its kinda depressing though. well thats all i'm out busy day tomorrow. bye |
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| End of a Year |
[Dec. 30th, 2004|03:38 am] |
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So its three a.m. and theres so much i haven't written. it feels like every time i write in this journal it is to complain or bitch about something. so lets change that. My christmas was amazing. i feel like the most spoiled rich snotty kid on the block. i got everything i had wanted and more than i needed. i honestly would have been happy just spending the time with my family. what made this christmas so great was that we didn't fight, we got along and laughed and had a great christmas together. it was amazing. so i saw this muscle and joint specialist lady on the 23 and she asked a whole bunch of questions and stuff and kinda examined me, because i have been feeling a lot worse lately and my dr. was worried i might have another illness. so this lady sent me to get like 23 blood tests done. so my mom was like lets get them done now. the worst part of this all has to be that no body knows whats wrong with me. so we get to the blood test place and they have to take blood out of both my arms and my hand, it was like 18 viles of blood in one day. so while were driving back home i'm just thinking to myself as me and my mom talk, i'm just so scared with everything going on. we were discussing the fact that i can't take birth control and that really makes me upset cause i've always had my life kinda planned out, i knew what i wanted and that was it, thats how it was gonna be, but after i found out i couldn't take birth control or the fact that i might not even be able to have children, kinda destroys me inside. recently i've totally decided that i wanna have kids and the whole family thing and to not be able to have something like that hurts. it hurts so bad as in keeping me up at night to cry myself to sleep kind of thing, i want to have children of my own with the person i'm with. any ways. so on christmas eve i went and had more blood work done at like 9 in the morning they took 4 viles from me and it was out of both my arms. i've been in so much pain. it takes so much out of me to just take a shower or stand in the kitchen and make breakfast. i'm in constant pain and i can't do anything, and the worst is that i'm so frustrated cause no body understands and i'm just so irrated and mean and i don't wanna be, but people tend to forget sometimes that i'm sick and they still want you to bend over backwards for them. its tiring. so my mom talked to the doctor today and she said my tests came back fine, which is a relief in one way b/c that means i don't have some of these serious diseases that i was tested for but the harsh part is they still don't know whats wrong with me. whats even worse is that if i don't feel any better by friday i'm going to the doctor and were gonna see what he says to do. which means i'll probably spend the rest of my vacation in the hospital, the one place i don't wanna go back. well i'm outs. peace happy ny |
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| Finishing out the day is half the battle |
[Dec. 14th, 2004|11:54 pm] |
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So today started off bad. I woke up late, got to school like 10 minutes late, but on the way i totally broke my cars cherry. it hit 80 mph, and it was shaking lol. so i had to give these oral presentations cause if i don't i fail the classes. it basically took everything i had to present. i got up infront of the class and did my biography on marilyn monroe and i was shaking and my voice was just all shakey. i felt so stupid which made me stumble on words and made things worse. i finished it though and i sat back down. i knew as soon as i was done that i did a bad job. so phil a kid in my class turned around and was like you did a good job, and this kid we call jesus was like lauren you did a good job that was good. it felt good to hear that even though they were lying. i can't think of a time when i was so bad at something that someone totally supported me anyway. i didn't get that bad of a grade because everyone new i was so nervous. the second one i did went a lot better, and i'm actually proud of myself for atleast doing two. hopefully i'll still pass the class. i had a doctor appointment today at six to see the results of blood work, sonograms, and all that fun stuff. everything came back good, but i told her i was still in tons of pain, my dr. thinks i might have another type of auto immune disease one that effects my joints and muscles. it seriously seems like i can't win. omg so i have to get this out because if i don't say something i'm just holding it in and it makes me more giddy and girly than i wanna be. so theres this kid in my class like i mentioned before, he lives in the hamptons we call him jesus, and he's soooo nice to me. he said he's gonna do his final speech on how pretty i am, and how i make him weak in the knees and everything and i just thought that was so cute. he's told me i've got really nice eyes and he just kinds flirts with me sometimes. i like it, this kind of attention is something i'm not used to getting. and thats all i'm really gonna say. i like it. ok well i'm out. christmas is only like 10 days away! how crazy is that! |
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| Nice |
[Dec. 10th, 2004|02:52 am] |
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| quiz |
[Nov. 1st, 2004|02:03 am] |
Everyone remembers the 'faked-orgasm-in-a-deli'
sequence from your kind of movie When Harry Met
Sally. It seems that you're falling for a buddy
or have already fallen for them. Uh-oh. You're
probably caught between the possibility of
having a great relationship and wrecking the
one you have now. You know what they say, it's
better to regret something you did than
something you didn't do.
What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla |
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| One word...OMG! |
[Oct. 30th, 2004|04:54 am] |
Today was just one crazy day. I went to school and my rash got pretty bad and i couldn't stop itching so i went to the bathroom to put some stuff on it and then i felt like i was gonna puke so i ran to the toliet and did. i left school after that and sat at home alone for like 3 hours waiting for my brother to come home to see what the dil was with karl tonight. so we sit down and watch dawn of the dead and i hop on my comp to see what everyone's up to and shit. some a/m's said that karl's g-ma had passed away. and i was just in like a state of omg. she had been in the hospital and suffering a little bit so it was good in a way that she passed away, but it was still said, she was such a sweet old lady. so i called my aunt to find out about the wake and stuff and so that was where i was tonight from like 7-9. i hung out with karl and matty and my cousin at the wake. and karls mom said i was sweet for showing up and everything...how nice! so we go outside to chill and stuff and karl wanted a cigg from stephan so i was like i'll go get it for ya and he was like i'll take the walk with you. i was gonna have like a little heart to heart conversation with karl and we kinda started to but all the guys followed us to my car. so whatever. so sean starts talking about going pumpkin hunting tonight and i was like oooo bad idea i could just feel it. but whatever i went and it was insane. karl couldn't come out b/c he had to get up early for the burial and stuff, but we stopped by and visited him and i gave him a present. omg. so it was so scary we stopped at this one house and they had one of those sensor lights in the front of the drive way so when sean and jay ran up to the house it went off and this guy woke up and saw them and was like hey stop what are you doing...or something like that and sean didn't hear him and me and jay were like lets go drive. so we go back to sean's house to drop off the goods and a car turns down his block and we think its the guy and i get down and hide and when he goes around the cirlce we all book it to the back yard. it was insane, such a rush. i got 3 pumpkins. all this work was for my uncle(sean's dad) we stacked the pumpkins behind his car, there was like atleast 100 and then we plastic wrapped around his doors. he is gonna be soooooo pissed. he's gotta get up early tomorrow for work. i can't even imagine how pissed he's gonna be. lol. it was the best night i've had in such a long time, i left my house at 1 and didn't get back till like 10 to 5. OMG thats all i can say OMG.
R.I.P.`~`G |
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| the clouds parted |
[Oct. 27th, 2004|09:08 pm] |
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today was just one of those days where i thought of all the bad things going on. i'm unemployed and need a job...one i would enjoy working at. the whole unemployed thing doesn't bother me as much as the i need money thing. college is almost over and i don't know what i'm going to do. i've been thinking about how some people hurt the ones they say they love. i've thought about my past relationships, which were painful. i thought about the person i've become. i fought with my mom on the way to pick up my car from karls house. as usual i try to talk and she bitches so i stare out the window and cry as usual. so we get to karls and me and my mom talk to karl and karls dad and mom and stuff. his grandma and mom are sick. i feel bad cause thats a lot going on at once, and i dunno if he knows i'm there for him and stuff. i can just look at karl and it makes my whole day better. and it kinda hurt me a little when kayla said some stuff about my bud karl. but anyways... it makes me happy to see him, because its my comfort. he reminds me of everything good i had 2 summers ago, i drank with him first, got high with him firsted. he's probably the nicest guy i've met and the greatest guy friend i've had. he's my bud and i hope he thinks of me the same way...aight i'm out...love |
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| In a state of Euporia I remeber nothing |
[Sep. 17th, 2004|03:26 am] |
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Party on wed. was fun for me. I let loose and had fun, which is a hard thing for me to do sometimes. I feel to peer pressure and did something Karl begged me to do. Me and him are kinda dependent on eachother. While his x-g/f is around he's either gonna leave the party or hang outside with me and talk. The same goes for me i'm dependent on him. J showed up to the party and i didn't know what to do or to feel. I freaked basically. Sometimes I dunno what...I went to the bathroom and just stared in the mirror for like five minutes trying to figure out stuff. I took care of things and left...and thats all I'm gonna say b/c i'm sure you know what i mean and its nothing dirty. I went outside with Karl smoked something medicinal and enjoyed the rest of the party. There was a girl named Melissa there, she's like the nicest person I've ever met at one of sean's partys. Sean wants to throw me a party to drink and get stupid and shit, I'm up for it. A kid in my class invited me to a party on the 24 at his house. Its gonna be hott. well i'm out peace kids. |
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| In the end is it all worth it? |
[Sep. 1st, 2004|03:08 am] |
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Tuesday night when i tried to go to sleep I wondered to myself if i was too hard on Dan and if i came off like a total bitch. The whole reason I left my other job was become of some asshole kid who would torture me everytime we worked together, it would sound like he was joking but he wasn't. He was just a total asshole, and my mother would always tell me to do something about it but i never did, i let the kid treat me like shit every time i worked. I finally quite because i just couldn't take it any more. So now i find myself at my new job dealing with similar things. Dan says he jokes but i really tend to wonder sometimes, so finally i confronted him rather rudely might i add about it on tuesday after the meeting. so today thursday i went in to get movies and a paycheck and he showed up. i got so nervous about how he was gonna act. But to my surprise he was just sooo nice and like different. it seemed like he wanted to fix what he had done and make everything alright, which makes me feel sooo bad for yelling at him, so i guess depending on how sunday goes i might apologize for my actions... ok i've got an interview tomorrow at a bagel place so i should get some sleep, lots of love yall...as the boys say two fingers like a playa! |
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| In a tear soaked napkin |
[Aug. 31st, 2004|01:28 am] |
It was probably the best week for me. Me and my dad bonded for like the first time in forever ever. I love my dad but we never talk or get along at all in some weird way. its not that we hate eachother or have a horrible relationship, he's just not a very emotional guy. he's someone whos all about joking which is where i get my odd sense of humor from, so to the point. we sat and watched movies together for like hours until we both were exhausted. we talk for hours about nothing and laughed, i haven't laughed and meant it in a while with him. i'd usually laugh outta pitty, in away that would try to make things alright. it felt in away that i hadn't seen him in years and we were catching up on old times. so hard to explain. My mom later told me that my dad had so much fun just sitting around and bonding with me, that he kept trying not to fall asleep, because he didn't want it to end he was having such a great time. just knowing that makes me just tear up and hate myself for being so distant from him for all these years. god as i write this i'm shaking. it makes me think of me being in the hospital for that first night, my mother said she was going to call my father to come down the the hospital to be with us, I told her don't bother b/c he doesn't care about me. she got mad and left the room thats when the dr. came in and told me i had hepatitis. when he came in we were watching Chips on tv and it was like 4 or 5 in the morning. I put on mtv while my mom and dad talked about what i had gone through in the 5 or 6 hours i was in the emergencey room. than that X-tina song came on, and i just cried. that song still means sooo much to me, and i still cry when i hear it. and now as i think of those things i cry. every day i was in that hospital my dad didn't go to work and he was right there by my side, those three days i was there i thought they were gonna tell me i was gonna die, i felt like i was gonna die, even now i wish i had died...i don't know why, maybe things would be different now. my mother would sleep in the hospital bed next to me and every morning they'd come in at 5:30 to take blood from me. i was so bruised from the needles. it didn't even hurt the needles, my body was just in so much pain. i was exhausted, i couldn't even get up to pee sometimes, i would just say forget it b/c it was always just such a challenge, i'd have to wheel the IV pole with me in there and than the blood would go into the IV and it wouldn't work, it sucked, than there was one night air was just being pushed through the IV into my body, the machine was going off and my mom ran through the whole floor looking for someone to help, all the bitchy nurse were on break, which how the fuck is that possible. the whole me being sick really made me question my life, and it still does. i think in a way it help me realize how much my family acutally loved me, but than it makes me think how right i am to think that its pointless me being here, my OWN body rejected me, i'm a REJECT. it would be hard for someone to understand that i would think. any way...
i had a store meeting at work on tuesday and sunday dan was an ass to me on the phone, so i said fuck this, i'm standing up for myself. an asshole made me leave my other job and i took his abuse, that was stupid and its not happening again. so i was talking with everyone else and not him, i didn't look at him, but he would take glances at me probably to figure out what my deal was, so when i went to the back to clock out, he said something to me as i was walking out the door and i said fuck u dan and than i guess he thought i was joking so he said something else and i respouded with something like dude don't talk to me ur an asshole and he's like what, i was like yeah ur an asshole u were one to me on the phone sunday and before he respounded i walked away. i think i knocked him down a peg, which is fine with me. and NO girl at blockbuster wants him, we all find him annoying. i think of my job as high school, and if any of these ppl knew who i really was, for example dan, they wouldn't give me the time of day, i was a loser in high school, i ate fuckin lunch by myself for two years and you know what i can't think about high school without wanting to die, it was the most horrible experience, i remember trying to hold my tears back on the bus ride home and crying all the way home as i walked to my house from the bus stop, my mom would ask what happened but i would just sit in my room and cry. she would tell me i was special and unique and if they don't see how great i was that was their loss. whoa i wrote lots of shit tonight, alright i'm out. |
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| From all this I'll be a better person... |
[Aug. 25th, 2004|12:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
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I feel like i'm 30 years old sometimes. i went to d and c's b-day party today at my aunts house. on our way to my aunts me and my bro we talking and wondering if sean's g/f would be there, we figured she would and that he would ignore us all. so as i enter my aunts home i see a brown hairded girl standing behing my cousin i figure its his g/f...how wrong i was. it was rita, she is karls x-g/f. rita and sean rode in the same limo to prom, which some what upset karl b/c sean hadn't invited him, sean also didn't invite karl to sit at his table. So as I continued through the house my grandma asked me how college was, and i don't know who but before i could get a word out i was interupted by someone talking about rita and sean going to college, i then turned away and read my book in solitude. as the party continued i saw sean step outside and talk on his phone as usual. he than called rita out there and they created plans. Rita and sean left the party to join a crew of kids in a game of scavenger hunt. Which is funny if u ask me b/c last time i asked my cousin he said he didn't like j. ooo i guess things change though. so after they left for there game, i was begining to shut down emotional and mentally. i felt secluded and out of place and i didn't know why...i was at a family gathering. but as i later realized it was b/c i hate everything about my life. i don't do things normal college kids do, i don't party i don't go out every night i don't have college friends. my cousin was my source of partying and fun last year and now he has ditched me. now kayla don't take that the wrong way i love being around you your the best friend i've always wanted, but no offense you can't drive. i still love you girl and without your i'd die but your only 16 and i'm 19 thats a 3 year difference. forget it this is gonna insult you either way...it would insult me and the last thing i wanna do is hurt this perfect thing i call our friendship. i wasn't insulted that i wasn't invited to his game i was insulted that he didn't once strike a converstation up with me. so i walk over to my mom and whisper to her if we could go home, she looked at me and yelled no i don't wanna go home, i told her again could we please go home i don't feel "happy". she again respounded with a no and i sat back down and read my book. when d and c opened their presents from me i felt like a failure. they had no emotion on their faces of excitement or anything, i felt i failed them in giving them a good present. so we finally leave. ohhh and this is for kayla thanks for being a great friend i'll never have another one like u. |
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| The Princess gazes out the window in search of... |
[Aug. 22nd, 2004|02:06 am] |
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I've been feeling so stressed out lately and i have absolutely no one to talk to about it. I think i've got an ulser from worrying so much. My mom's having big financial problems and she turns to me for money she needs, which means i have no money. the thing that hurts the most about her borrowing money from me is that i worked and sacraficed so much to get what i had. now ur probably thinking shes only borrowing 10 20 bucks...don't make me laugh my friend, try 100's at a time. in total the woman owes me 1,400 bucks. i could have gotten myself a car. the cycle only gets more vicious. my dad has no idea about this... so he gets on my case about paying gas bills, insurence, umm and pretty much everything else. But! i have no money cause my mother takes it all. I think about the rest of my life and i can't sleep at night. i'm scared of not being able to support myself. like u can look at some people and just tell there gonna make it. Kayla's gonna make it, all that girls dreams are gonna come true, my cousin will make it although i despise him so much, he's going places. Say it all u want but i'm going no where. I'll marry some dead beat guy whos either gonna be a drunk and beat me or a cheating bastard, and i'm sure in some sick way i deserve it all. and on this final note let me recommend a book for u all to go out and buy: How To Make Love Like A Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale. Good book, its about Jenna Jameson, famous porn star and turning into somewhat of an idol of mine. |
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| Set Free My Soul Will Fly >8 |
[Jun. 30th, 2004|11:20 am] |
So today i went to see sue. she is now my therapist. she has been seeing my mom and brother for like a year i think and they both say shes pretty cool, and what not. i was really nervous to see her. My mom had told her i was depressed and cutting myself. sue wanted my mom to drag me down to the hospital to set me straight. so i get there and sue is sooooo nice. i felt pretty comfortable talking to her. we talked about alot of stuff for like an hour. we talked about my friendships with people, to my relationships with my cousins and parents, to boys and kayla, school, work, and me just being me. she asked me if i would like to go on prozack to help me out with my depression and i told her i didn't think medication was ever an answer and that i'm totally against it. i told her i'd rather come and talk to her. i feel that my closet is filled with ghosts and that i should let them out one at a time and seeing her will defiently help me. i told her i feel lonely and alone and like theres no one out there for me. i'm the kinda person who likes to keep things private and talking about cutting myself was something i really didn't want to share. she told me that if i didn't come to talk to her it is likely my depression would have eaten me away and i might try to ya know end my life.
on a happier not me and my bro are seeing dodgeball tomorrow and than the beach with the whole gang on friday. can't wait. D & C-surfs up dudes! |
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| I'm going going back back to cali! |
[Jun. 17th, 2004|02:30 pm] |
In class right now, some kids are blasting some music and we're all just chillen. They played a butt loaded of 50 and biggie's going back to cali (that means something to me personally) and now em's on. so i'm rendering my animation right now and its taking like 3 hours but its totally worth it. might hang with k and tiff tonight at the movies, i dunno we'll see. so i'm reading my cosmo to pass the time and they have this summer sex horoscope and it says i'm gonna have a fab fling with a Leo(i know one), my best bud is a libra (my bud karl), and a long term thing with an aquarius (no one i know). Its a guy thing k so don't get mad! lately i feel like being by myself, i haven't been feeling good all week, like i was gonna puke or something. i'm gonna hit up the beach soon pimps so watch out. can't wait to be done with this quater and just be able to chill and party. so yeah i plan:
1. going to the beach
2. getting so hammered i won't see straight
3. see spider-man
4. get some b-day gifts from my mom
5. maybe get a new job...bartending is something i really wanna so
6. hang out with my old group of friends
7. just party!
i'm outta here in like a 1/2 hour. so last night my cuz and karl came over at like 11:50. my mom freaked cause i was making noise shutting the door and stuff. so we just hung out infront of my house for like an hour, just talking and stuff. i wanna go shopping so bad. probably gonna go tomorrow and like by shoes and stuff and maybe the spider-man box set, i've gotta have it. omg and fathers day is this weekend. my dad says he doesn't want anything but i'll probably get him some movies or box sets or something. alright i'm out kids...party on! |
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| Should I or Shouldn't I go there? |
[Jun. 10th, 2004|01:31 am] |
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At this moment right now at 1:31 A.M. I am happy...this is like a whole new level of happiness i'm on right now. its great, i wanna smile and be happy all the time, i'm completely different then who i used to be a few weeks ago. so many good things have just happened and its just unbelieveable for me that things are going so well. |
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| my b-day |
[Jun. 9th, 2004|07:28 am] |
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So my birthday this year was the best b-day EVER! I didn't have to get anything b/c just spending my b-day with kayla was the greatest part. we went out to dinner and then saw the day after tomorrow. omg and at dinner that fuckin bitch made them sing happy b-day to me...lol soda came outa you nose, and ofcourse i still love ya. and the day after tomorrow was soooo great. jake gyllenhaal was just amazing...dry and wet.lol right kayla. |
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| I Burn, I Pine, I Perish |
[Jun. 5th, 2004|12:24 am] |
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Those words should just say it all. I've sat here many a nights reading words, when all i've wanted to do was rip my eyes out of my skull, fall to the floor, and slowly bleed to death. sound violent huh? on a happier note, k for christ sake i need to talk to you about saturday..plans changed buddy. sorry love you lots kiddo call me! |
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| Quiz |
[Jun. 3rd, 2004|09:10 am] |
 You Should Star in "I Dream of Jenna"A wild XXX remake of "I Dream of Jeannie," with Jenna Jameson as a sexy genie Besides showing her navel, Jenna shows every thing else with ten hot sex scenes This movie would have been perfect for a playful, sexpot like yourself Maybe you'll just have to settle for a remake of "Leave it to Beaver" What Adult Film Should You Star In?More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva |
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| Open |
[Jun. 2nd, 2004|03:06 am] |
so open your eyes and look deep into my soul
what will you find, what will you come to know
my feelings are true
and you don't have a clue
your the one i dream of to love
but your loving someone new.
who is this girl does she at all compare to me?
does she bring you good times or loving memories
is she prettier than me, does she make you think those thoughts
i'm sure shes so beautiful that it gets you off.
was she there for you when shit got bad
was she there for you when you were so mad
is she there now holding your hand throughout the day
and i'm sure you listen closey to everything she has to say
can she look you in the eyes and tell you the truth
does she know that i'm the only one out there for you
do you think she breaks down and cries at the thought of not being together
does she pull out the blade and try to make everything all better.
did she curl up next to you that late summer night
push your hair back and try to make everything alright
would she do anything for you
to make sure you got by
does she ever talk to you and hope everythings alright
do you think she stays up and worries about you all night
you think shes so god damn perfect
shes hurting me alot worse than she's hurting you |
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